Daily Schedule of New Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol
A look at the at-home operations of the man in charge of fixing the coffee giant's operational woes.
Starbucks recently named Brian Niccol its new CEO. Niccol will receive a $113 million sign-on bonus and will work from home. This is an exclusive peek into the daily routine of one of the highest-paid corporate CEOs in the world.
7:00 am: Alarm goes off. A marble shoots down a track, into a line of dominoes, and onto a mousetrap. The mousetrap snaps onto a tongue depressor, which launches an army figurine into the air. The toy’s parachute deploys, allowing the soldier to land abruptly on the sleeping dog’s tail.
7:01 am: Dog wakes up with a howl and runs downstairs to the butler’s pantry where she finds a sausage on the floor. As she tackles the delicious treat, she slips and knocks open a cabinet door, which swings into another line of dominoes.
7:02 am: The dominoes glide out of the butler’s pantry, down the grand foyer and onto the “on” switch of a surge protector. The massive front door suddenly opens automatically, revealing another pristine sausage link laying on the front stoop, right next to the morning’s Orange County Register.
7:03 am: The dog, who has already finished the first hot dog, immediately sniffs out the second. She runs outside and puts both the sausage and the newspaper in her mouth. The door closes behind her, but it’s ok because there is a 3-story ramp that leads directly to Brian’s bedroom window and is littered with sausage links.
7:05 am: The dog crashes through the glass and lands on top of Brian’s head. Brian marvels at yet another operational achievement. Time to start the day!
7:06 am: While Brian reads the entire Orange County Register in bed, the shattered window has triggered an alarm that activates his very expensive Bath Robot.
7:06-8:00 am: Bath Robot emerges from a guest bedroom closet and navigates a pre-programmed route to the master bathroom, which is located 300 yards away in the Eastern Wing of Brian’s Newport Beach Mansion.
8:00 am: Bath Robot arrives in the master bath and activates morning bath protocol: turn on bath water, fill bath with bubbles, assess water temperature and pressure, sit on towel quietly until it’s warmed to 85 degrees Fahrenheit.
8:05 am: As the water runs in the bath, the grumbling pipes trigger a marble in Brian’s home office, which is an exact replica of a Chipotle (for now). The marble slides down a track, across the sneeze guard, and lands on the button that makes the cash register pop out. The drawer hits a stack of paper cups which fall onto his desk. The fall activates a wooden Drinking Bird that sits next to Brian’s computer. The toy immediately starts bobbing its beak up and down onto the keyboard. His laptop comes alive, signaling to every single Starbucks employee that the work day has officially begun!
10:00 am: Assistant brings Brian a Venti drip, with BRAINS scribbled on the cup.
10:01 am: While still in bed, Brian gets a notification on his phone that his bath is ready. It is not warm enough. In fact, it’s quite cold, as though it’s been sitting out for hours.
10:02 am: Brian beats Bath Robot with a baseball bat. Yells repeatedly: “you wouldn’t last a day at 2015-2018 Taco Bell HQ!!”
10:05 am: He takes a swig of his Venti, which is actually, indeed, just brains.
10:30 am: High on cerebrum, Brian jet packs off the roof and into window of home office. Removes Drinking Bird from laptop. Starts fielding mobile orders.
Noon: His mansion creaks and groans as it’s lifted from the cliffside by tanker tires. It starts rolling north to Seattle for an afternoon meeting. While Brian is insistent on working from home, he understands that going hybrid helps build team trust, unity, and efficiency. He arrives 45 hours later, after causing historic traffic standstills, destroying multiple bridges, and plowing over the power grid for the entire Pacific Northwest.
1:00 pm: Dog has diarrhea on one of the antique rugs.